| Faith |
[Feb. 22nd, 2006|10:31 pm] |
Last night, as I was sitting outside and polluting my lungs with a clove that I didn't need, I got to thinking. It must be nice to believe in God (god/gods/goddesses/what have you). I was thinking about life and work and my social situations, and I found myself wanting to appeal to a higher power. I wanted to ask for guidance, for direction, hope. And, man, it must be nice to just talk to your deity and ask for these things. It would be quite a comfort. It would help bring peace, I'm sure.
But that's not me. I don't believe. I don't think the god thing makes sense. I can't believe that there's something out there that hears my thoughts and has the power to affect my world. It doesn't seem very likely to me. I see the order and chaos of nature, but I don't see anything deeper in there. Well, that's not quite true. I take great comfort in nature, and animals, and all of that stuff. I just see how it could have come about through the normal processes of things.
I don't deny that there could be a god, but I see no evidence that demand's its existence. But I feel that if I tried to tell myself that there was a higher intelligence or motive force, or what have you, that I'd be deluding myself. So I sort of float along lost at times.
Sometimes I wish I could believe. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2005|02:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "The Night" - Morphine | ] |
What I want to do right now is to smoke. I really want to feel the sensation of drawing that sweet aromatic mix of buring tobacco and cloves. I want to light up right now, because it would go beatifully with the Morphine that's playing on my stereo right now. The sultry call of the baritone sax demands its ritual sacrifice.
The CD starts skipping. The scene is ruined. Man this is like sex gone wrong. Hearing the CD start skipping induces just about the most anti-orgasmic feeling I can think of right now, and has entirely destroyed the progress of this entry.
What was going to probably be some nice exploration of my feelings--depression, apathy, my desire to smoke--has just turned into some sort of post-modern self-aware drivel.
What a bitch. I think I need a clove. |
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| untitled |
[Aug. 22nd, 2005|12:37 am] |
I have yet to find my true outlet. I don't know if I've ever really known how to express what I have inside. I've made attempts to do so in the past, and on countless more occasions I've let ideas form in my head on how to do so, which I've never followed to fruition. When I think on it long enough, everything I try seems derivative or amateurish. Whether I try to use words, or music, or doodles, they never come out as anything more than a novice's attempts at an art he does not understand.
I have yet to find my true connections. Whether they are connections to people, ideas, or causes, they never seem entirely genuine. I've grown apart from nearly everyone I feel was ever important to me, and been impotent to cultivate strong connections with people who interest me. I don't think I know any more how to get beyond the casual, or the polite, or even the carnal. It's been years since I've experienced a truly deep connection with someone new. And in that time, I've allowed the connections with the old to atrophy.
I have yet to find my true home. Here I am, 500 miles away from where I was born and lived for the vast majority of my life. I'm in a city that feels like it has vast potential that I still do not know how to tap. When I venture back to the places where I spent my first 25 years, they no longer feel like home. All of the familiar places seem to be nothing but shadows of what they once were to me, but these places have still not been replaced. The beautiful and endless night sky of my youth has been replaced by a nocturnal canopy that shows few stars, and too much haze from the city around me. I'm 500 miles away from where I first found love, in a new place that has failed to provide me with the same. I'm 400 miles from where I last found true love; which is, ironically, 500 miles closer to it than where I lived when I found it. That was years ago, anyway.
I have yet to find the true me. The well developed sense of self-awareness on which I've always prided myself can no longer tell me what I want, who I want, or why I should want anything. I'm consumed by momentary desires, ultra-short term goals, and find myself chasing things which I want to throw away as soon as they are obtained. Then, when I let anything go, I invariably want it back. Try to make true connections under those circumstances... it doesn't work out so well.
So, what am I doing? Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? I'm not sure when I'll be able to answer these questions. I lay this out in full public view, where no one will probably ever see it. Does that accomplish anything? It probably can't hurt anything. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 22nd, 2005|01:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pensive | ] |
Laying on my back and having a reasonable attractive woman climb on top and fuck me should be a happy experience. No, like, seriously. If you went back in time and found me in high school and explained the situation to me, I probably would have been seriously psyched. It'd probably go something like this:
2005 Me: Look, kid, here's how it is. Imagine you've made it to your mid-twenties. You're living on your own, in a decent apartment. You're living in a city, not anything like this current suburban crap you're putting up with now. You're done with college... you've got two degrees in fact, and a job with which you're mostly satisfied.
1997 Me: Wow, that's awesome!
05: That's not all, kid. You're also in your bedroom and being straddled by this reasonably attractive woman, and she's loving it.
97: Holy shit! This can't get any better!
05: You'd think that, wouldn't you?
97: What do you mean?
05: It's not satisfying... none of it.
97: WTF? How is that even possible?? Money, job, apartment, car, sex.... SEX! And you said she's hot, right?
05: Not hot, kid, but reasonable attractive.
97: Whatever, man, I'll take it. How is this not satisfying?
05: Well, y'see it's complicated. You've grown apart from almost all of your friends. Y'know those folks you hang out with now? They're mostly gone in another year or two. But, really, that's no big deal. You meet more folks, some really awesome folks, and you have great times. But then you move. You move away after living your whole life in this same area, and after a year or so, you find that you've grown apart from almost everyone who was important.
97: But we're in a city right? There's tons of people there!
05: Sure, and you know some pretty cool people. But they're all just bar friends.
97: Bar friends?
05: Oh, right, you're not familiar with this yet. So, you've got friends, right? But you only ever see them when you go out to the bar on the weekend, or occasionally on some weeknight. You do the live journal thing, and keep up with the superficial events in each others lives, and if you're in trouble you can probably even call them. But you can't really talk with them?
97: Why's that?
05: Well, kid, we're just not that good at making close friends. It was easier back home, because we'd always lived there, or because we were in college, etc. But back up in the city, in 2005, you're just not making those connections. Why not? I can't really say. It's tough.
97: Alright, well what about this girl?
05: Oh, the one I mentioned before?
97: Yeah
05: Well, if we want to really be honest, she's the latest in a string of people you've been with to make yourself feel better.
97: String? you mean there are others? That's great!
05: You'd think that wouldn't you? But no. Your last real relationship, the one with any true significance to you, well that ended a couple of years before the time that we're talking about now. There have been others since then. But every subsequent relationship has been really short and didn't go anywhere. That or it wasn't anything more than a sort of "friends with bennies" situation. See, by this point, you've experienced what a true bond can be, and you're just chasing after that again. Trouble is, you don't know where to look or how to find it.
97: Oh, well, I guess that sucks. Tell me about the sex again?
You see, going back and talking with yourself never really does any good. But that's beside the point. The point is that I'm increasingly realizing that I've pretty much emotionally shut myself off from just about anyone else. That's why everything is so unsatisfying. It's my own doing. The relationships that I've had over the last year and a half, I don't know if I ever really gave any one of them a chance. I can tell you for sure that none of those people ever came close to knowing me. I didn't show them who I really am. I never really opened up. And yet, the last two people I can think of were really fucking crazy about me, and pretty disappointed when I went to end things. And me? I really didn't feel much... at all.
Is this what I've become? Am I just some sort of cold hearted bastard? Have I allowed my setbacks to destroy who I am/was? I don't know.
I do know that I'm lost, and I don't know to whom to turn. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2004|12:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
Here I am, back again. It's been a few weeks. I finally got my first comment on this journal. I was almost excited that someone had found it and cared to write. Turns out it was just a spam comment. WTF is up with that? Spammers are creating LJ accounts just to spam-comment. Is that effective advertising.. I mean.. I'm a really going to be inclined to buy something from someone who's spammed my journal??
At any rate, sometimes I'm astonished by how my indistinct feelings can be right. I wrote in my last post that I thought my interpersonal skills would not be enough, etc. Well, I did manage to fuck up a friendship through some poor choices already. We'll see how things pan out, and I'm sure that, given time (maybe a lot) things will be smoothed out. It's now a sticky social situation, but it's one that I've created, so the ramifications are mine to deal with.
Most of my posts here seem rather dark or depressing. I'm not really a mopey sort of person. It just seems that maybe mopeyness is partially what I created this journal for--to be able to explore those feelings out in the open.
I don't know where to go from here. |
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| It's been a while |
[Jun. 22nd, 2004|10:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Alone | ] |
But then again, no one reads this anyway.
I'm feeling pretty damned isolated right now. I've come a long way from where I was as a person a year ago, both literally and figuratively. Some of these changes have been for the better, and some other ones.... while they may ultimately be for the better, I still feel worse for them.
I've graduated from school (again), and gotten a 'real' job. Although for most people, this job would be really very very far from reality. I am also worried that despite all of my schooling (which was probably a joke), and all of my interpersonal skills (which probably aren't as high as I think they are), I will end up as a complete failure here....
Sometime in high school the feeling hit me that I would either: a. die young or b. be a complete failure. I simply could not picture my life 10 years down the road from that point from possessing any degree of success. Now, that was a pretty gothy angsty teen -ish sort of thing to say, but I really felt it at the time. Once I got to college, it mostly went away, although there have been some times that the feeling has crept back up. Like now.
Despite the fact that I've moved to a new place, started a new job, have a decent apartment, my own car, a bachelor's and master's degree.... right now, I'm just not entirely sure that I can keep it together....
I've never been someone who really 'needed' family. My relationship with my family was always kind of weak. Our family isn't particularly close. I always turned to friends for support, not the family. But I even usually keep a certain distance from even my closest friends, I think. Now, I'm in a new place without any super-close friends, no family, no real deep connections, and I think that I'm feeling it. I'm pretty worried that I won't be able to cultivate strong friendships here. I'm pretty timid with people, mostly. My co-workers seem to be a very close, group.. and I haven't really been invited among them yet. A few have invited me to lunch once, but all of them have yet to invite me to do something with them while not at work. I'm definitely feeling a little on the fringe.
I think its really time for me to stop my rant of self-pity.
Until next time. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 1st, 2004|04:51 pm] |
after talking to you last night
I realized that I haven't
much more I'd like to say to you
I still wish that things had happened
very differently than they have
but its nothing that I can change
what we used to have is gone now
but at least when I will look back
I'll know that you fucked up, not me. |
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| A time for reverie? |
[Apr. 28th, 2004|12:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Bittersweet | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Run" - New Order | ] |
I should be very happy right now. This is a time for elation. I should be celebrating my acomplishments. If there was any time for celebration ever, that is now.
But she's not here with me. A year ago I looked forward to this day when she and I could celebrate together, and we could move on to planning our lives together. If I had any idea, one year ago, what things would be like today, I'm not sure how I'd feel.
I was so in love with her. I wanted nothing more than to be near her, and to sort out our futures together. That's not what has happened though. It's been a long time since we've broken up, and I'm ok with that now. It's just that now, in this time of celebration, I find myself wishing that she was here to share my joy and my hope for the future.
Is anything ever "meant to be" ?? |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2004|12:22 am] |
I'm not sure what is greater:
My desire, or my incompetence. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 26th, 2004|12:16 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | numb | ] |
I've been single for a little while now. My last relationship ended a while back on her terms. Its abrubt end took me by surprise. I wasn't too pleased with the situation.
I tried all sorts of things to deal with my grief. I drank (a lot). I went home with whoever was willing to have me. I didn't eat too much for a little while. I cried at night when there was nothing to distract my thoughts.
As it has been a long time, I've pretty much come to terms with the whole thing. My feelings have been mostly resolved for a couple of months now. It does still bother me that things didn't work out, but it's been a little while since she's been the last thing that I thought about at night.
I've been looking around for the last .. I dunno.. five months or so. Just sizing up those persons I've come in contact with.... trying to see if they're worth pursuing. I've made various attempts at dating since my last relationship ended. Mostly these attempts didn't work out. I just hadn't found someone with whom I felt any sort of connection.
Then I met someone who really got my attention. This didn't happen on our first meeting. In fact, the first time we met was mostly forgetable. However, she popped back up a couple of weeks ago, and has firmly situtated herself within my head. I can't seem to shake the thoughts of her.
Recently, I decided to do something about it. I made my interest known. Since then I've been waiting. And with each interviening hour, I realize more and more that sometimes honesty is not the best policy. |
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pneumagenic's journal